Have You Been Hurt? Here's How to Forgive Someone by Psychic Therese

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  - Mahatma Gandhi.

Have you been hurt in past relationships? If you're still holding on to feelings of anger, it's time to let go and find power in forgiveness. When you forgive, it's easier to put the past behind you and move forward. Most importantly, forgiving others allows you to be free of the negative energy that's holding you back.

Forgiveness is hard. Especially when the transgression is a significant one, that causes real damage to your life, your feeling of well-being, your security, or your self-esteem.     

In life, you must pick your battles and let some of the small stuff go, but in this article, I am talking about the big stuff.

The Power of Forgiveness

The freeing spiritual work of forgiveness can be done with the right motivation once you realize its value. If done at the right time and the right way, it can be a great catalyst, so when you process thru it, you are now more open to people, experiences, and happiness, rather than being more isolated and withdrawn.  

We need to understand that forgiveness is not a fluffy, nebulous pie-in-the-sky concept, but rather a useful utilitarian tool for us to open up our lives and shake off other people’s bad energy, that has deeply invaded our space.

And it’s a great step towards personal empowerment in your life’s journey.

Forgiveness is not exclusively the realm of the angels, by any stretch, but it’s difficult and takes work, because when people hurt us, be it a beloved partner who cheats, a friend who betrays our confidence, a boss who is unfair, etc. our first emotion is extreme anger.  

Even at that moment of impact, we are suffering two losses: the negative emotions we are experiencing, plus deep grief and sense of loss, as we realize that the relationship is forever changed.  The person may stay in our life and work things through (or not) but the bond of trust as we know it is not going to be the same.  

How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

Forgiveness work can’t be rushed. You will need to go through it at your own pace, and there are no shortcuts or paying easy lip service to it “Ok, I forgive so and so.” You have to go through it to get through it. But in my experience, it works, and here are the steps.

Release Revenge

One of the reasons many people refuse to let go of past pain is that they believe one day they'll have a chance to “even the score.” As we are feeling this anger and betrayal, the knee-jerk reaction is to level the playing field, get revenge, and pay them back, saying “I’ll show them.” Anything to stop the deep-cutting hurt we feel and the shock that hits us where we live. It's natural to hope for karma to bring an equal amount of suffering to the one who hurt you.

People often say, “why do I have to be all warm and fuzzy, when this person wronged ME?  I am the victim here.”  But, in the end, it’s not about the other person, it’s about YOU releasing yourself from the prison of resentment and bitterness. 

You will see the value in this when you realize that after the incident, this person has gone on their merry way, and now it’s YOU who are suffering and holding onto the past, with them renting space in your head.  

Revenge doesn’t work because it perpetuates negativity.  And if you have ever gotten even with someone, you’ll find that it's usually an empty victory. When you realize you really don’t feel any better afterward, you may ask yourself why you did it and why you feel even worse now.

Our society promotes revenge. In the movies, the bad person is dealt with harshly by the victim (usually involving firearms) the cheating spouse is paid back (usually by more cheating, now on the part of the injured party) and in general, in the entertainment media landscape, forgiving is erroneously seen in as a sign of weakness.  

Revenge or the threat of it, might work when you are dealing with a nuclear arms race, but in a love relationship?  Not so much. 

Let Go of Resentment  

Over time, not forgiving leads to resentment, a deep and hard-set hatred of the person in question.  In addition, refusing to forgive, keeping and nurturing resentment, can initially make us feel more powerful, and more in control, but this is an illusion.  

When we hang onto past anger, we think we are being tough and in control. But what is really going on is our refusal to acknowledge our pain, vulnerability, and inability to change this difficult past event.  We must face the fact that we can’t rewrite history.  We must deal with the past reality in such a way that the negative event doesn’t take us down even further.

Hanging onto these old resentments can lead to being dragged down psychologically, creating obstacles to our moving towards new goals and new relationships.  It affects our mental and physical health, makes us bitter, and even ages us prematurely (That last one is motivation enough for me to forgive, LOL!)  

Stop Looking for an Apology

In the United States, we have an over-arching concept that justice always prevails.   To me, life is much easier, when we realize that, at times, fairness, and justice, don’t always happen, especially in interpersonal relationships. And closure, may not be available, either.

Of course, the rare offender, when confronted, might give an apology, a vindication, an acknowledgment of how much pain they caused, but I find that this is an unusual occurrence.

Most of the time, this troubled offender is not going to be able to access the strength of character needed to apologize or be honest with you. Perhaps they are just not able to disclose the reasons for their actions or they fear what you will do in retaliation.  We must be at peace with this. Acceptance is key here.

I talk to people many times who are hoping for an after-the-fact admission of guilt, a show of regret, or something from the offender, to acknowledge the pain they have caused my client, but we need to understand that, in most cases, the discussion, if not able to be done with the significant other, can also be done through journaling, sharing, etc. with friends or a counselor instead.  But it can be almost as effective or more. 

Express What is True For You

I feel that journaling, or writing it all down, is a good beginning.  Tell the story of the situation in detail, don’t leave anything out, no one has to see this but you. Tell how the person’s behavior affected you and your life.  It might take you days to get this all on paper because it might be painful, but it’s the beginning of the work that will free you.  

If you have a trusted friend, you might want to read this aloud to them and discuss it. TRUSTED is the operative word here. You are not looking for critique here, but rather someone to bear witness, to acknowledge what happened to you. Not to say, “Oh you shouldn’t have done that or That’s not what I would have done, etc. “   

It’s imperative that you pick the right person for this job of sharing your story, or, if you don’t have that person, find a short-term professional therapist to share this with and help you move thru it all.  

And I personally feel that, if this anger involves family-of-origin work from the past, involving a sibling, a parent, etc. that a therapist is probably the best place to start rather than a friend. 

I can tell you, from personal experience, that journaling and sharing about this type of event is amazing in its effectiveness, and its healing, restorative power.

Remember that forgiveness is a process and over time you might want to do this journaling/sharing work more than once. The more you share, the more the pain diminishes and the more the event seems to recede into the past and loosens its grip on you.  

You can also use this technique in the same way, as a second exercise, to write a letter to the person themselves, and again, share it with your friend or therapist. 

 

Seek a Shift in Perspective

After writing and sharing, you might want to look at the issue in an empathetic way for a moment, to see it from the point of view of the other person.  Some situational examples of questions to ask include:

• Who is this person, really?  What type of life experiences did this person have that might have made them act this way?  
• What kind of fears and resentments of their own was at play here?  
• Is your boss fearing losing the business and being forced to make tough decisions?  
• Is your loved one extremely insecure, needing constant external validation in the form of other people?  
• Is the co-worker who takes credit for your work, under great financial pressure or feeling inadequate to do the job successfully on his own?  

Now, in some of these instances, the answers might not be readily available. They may be available via a tarot reading or by talking with a psychic. It can be very useful to see the other person’s vantage point. This is not to exonerate them from their transgressions, but it’s a good practice to help us understand people, motivations, and ourselves.  

It takes us out of the victim role when we understand that there may have been other elements at play here that had nothing to do with us.  This doesn’t change the reality of the feelings and events, but it gives us a broader scope when dealing with the offender and with people in general.

Reframe Your Story

After the other work is processed through, we need to take another look at the issue and see that the way we chose to handle this, seeking help, doing the work, and putting ourselves back together, really makes us true survivors of this occurrence.   

We may not have emerged unscathed, and we sure wish it hadn’t happened, but we have used our forgiveness of this person as a vehicle for our own personal power and growth.  And we did it in such a way that we didn’t add insult to injury by continuing to be held hostage by this event, this person, and their toxic behavior.  

When you release your anger toward the person who wronged you, you also release the hope you had for a different outcome. Perhaps you had wished for you and a past partner to stay together, but their wrongdoing led to a breakup. Rather than dwelling on what could have been, you can forgive the person and accept that your story took another direction. Forgiveness also allows you to move past your status as a victim and instead become the hero of your story.

I believe that is how we deal with and transcend other people’s darkness, not thru victimhood, but thru understanding and forgiveness.  Being hurt by a friend, family member, or lover is painful, but that pain can potentially lead you to wonderful experiences you may not have had otherwise. In dealing with your pain, you may find new strength you didn't know you had. Perhaps the experience allowed you to develop a deeper empathy for others who have been through similar situations. Look for the beneficial ways in which your challenges have affected you.

Create a Ritual

For many people, it helps to engage in symbolic gestures of forgiveness. Consider trying one or more of the following techniques to add even more meaning to this powerful action:

• Write down your feelings of pain and hurt, then burn the paper to ashes.
• Meditate using a new mantra that focuses on your fresh start.
• Light a candle to remind you of the brightness of the days ahead.
• Try a guided meditation, like this one on forgiving yourself and others
• Plant seeds and help them grow as a reminder of a new beginning.

True forgiveness and release can be a slow process, but it can be a transcendent experience that raises your vibration, heals you and even makes you more aware of psychic and spiritual messages coming to you from the universe.  

It opens up the good in the world to you. It’s like being in darkness and throwing open the windows, letting fresh air and sunshine in. Forgiving others has a freeing effect on your mind and spirit. You'll feel lighter once this weight has been lifted. Instead of dragging that weight around, you can leave it behind where it belongs. You don't have to forget that it's there; you simply have to accept that it is no longer a part of your present.

To me, it creates good luck, goodwill and happiness at a deep level.  Forgiving is well worth doing. 

I leave you with a famous quote from the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. He said, “That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.”  

I agree.

References available in print or digitally: 

• Behind the Therapy Door: Simple Strategies To Transform Your Life by Dr. Randy Kamen, Ph.D.
• Forgiveness is Power by William Fergus Martin, from the Global Forgiveness Initiative
• Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life by Judith Orloff, M.D.